How To Help Your Young Child Understand and Cope With Death

Death is hard to deal with no matter what age you are. Two years ago, my daughter experienced more in her first four years, than many thirty-year-olds have. The most significant of these was the death of her father. Even now, well over two years later, she will have moments of pure grief. One night this past summer, she laid on her bed sobbing over the loss of her father. That's not to say that she hasn't adapted well to her new home. She truly has and has coped quite well. I can only wish on any child that they would be able to adjust to changes as well as she has. Many days she doesn't appear to be grieving, so it comes as a surprise to find her in a moment of mourning and I realized that I need to learn new ways to help her cope with the death. Everyday, there are new surprises and ways we need to work through her grieving of her father. In my search to learn to console my child, here is what I have learned about ways to help children deal with the death of a loved one, especially a parent.

Is There A Problem if My Child Doesn't React to the Loss?

First off, don't be surprised if the child doesn't seem to react to the loss, especially at first. That doesn't mean they aren't feeling anything, or confused. A young child often is unable to communicate what is on their mind. Their thoughts of grief may show up in an over reaction to a toy taken or becoming more loving or even more obedient.

I know with my daughter, she seriously did not appear to be grieving. Although she insisted to be near me at all times, and repeated the word "mama" continuously, for the most part she was a happy go lucky child who was very well behaved.She would randomly ask questions, usually while I was driving. Maybe my eyes being away from her helped her to feel like she could ask, I'm not sure.

It's very typical that they may grieve for a moment, then go right into playing.

Answering Questions about Death: Top Rule - Be Honest

The most important thing about answering questions about death is being honest. Also keep in mind their age. Keep answers short and simple. Also, it is important not to answer questions that are not asked.By giving a child too much information, especially at once, may overwhelm them and cause undue stress. All the while keep in mind, if they want to know, they have the right to know.

Be Age Appropriate

In cases of suicide or homicide, it is a very sticky situation. It is very important to stick with age appropriate information. This is where my experience is. Since the death is truly unknown, I was able to maintain that honestly. As she gets older, I will let her know in age appropriate means about what we know as the questions arise. To give you an idea of how I responded, here is a very close example of what was really said when we visited her father's tomb for the first time.

Little Miss (LM): Mama, is this where he died?
Me: No, this is where he was buried.
LM: Well, where did he die?
Me: Remember the house you shared with him, he died in there.
LM: Where in there?
Me: In the basement.
LM: How did he die?
Me: Honey, I'm really sorry, but we don't really know for sure.
LM: Does anyone know?
Me: No, sometimes things like that we never really know.
LM: I wish someone knew.
Me: So do I.

I don't know what the best response would have been, but it was honest and she felt her questions were answered. Those are the two most important things in a conversation (A) that the questions answered to their satisfaction and (B) you are honest.

Be Direct

Avoid euphemisms like, "passed away" or "went on a trip forever," "moved to heaven." This will only confuse them. Use direct words like "died." By making a death softer, they may not have full understanding of what happened. They may also fear going on a trip or even thinking heaven is a bad place because people don't come back from there.

Also, avoid saying, "they went to the hospital and died," or "got sick and died." These statements may cause them to fear when others go to the hospital that they may die as well. Or if they get sick, they may fear death for themselves. If they were sick before they die, make sure there is a clear connection, that they were severely sick, not just a common cold. For instance, if they had cancer, say they had cancer. If they had a heart attack, say they had heart attack. If they ask what that is, explain that it's a very serious illness that causes the body to stop working." By being direct, it leaves little to the imagination.

In more complicated cases, where the child is not old enough to handle a death like in the case of a suicide or a homicide, a child psychologist suggested to my daughter's biological aunt to say it like this: "Your daddy's body is broken, and he died." If they ask why or how, just reaffirm that the body won't work anymore." Dependent on religious beliefs you can encourage them to talk to them at a cemetery or in a prayer, but explain that they won't be able to talk to their body anymore.

Let Them Talk

One thing important to remember is let them talk. If they want to ask questions encourage them, answer them, be polite, but let them dominate the conversation. If they want to be quiet, don't force them to talk. You may ask, "I notice you're quiet, what are you thinking about?" Avoid leading questions like, "Are you thinking about (so and so)?" or "Are you feeling sad." Often this kind of question may become a self fulfilling prophecy. If they think they are supposed to be thinking about them, they may say yes. Or if they think they looked sad, they may act sad even if they were quiet due to something completely unrelated.

Also, don't become offended if they say things like, "I wish (deceased loved one) was here, not you." That doesn't mean they don't love you, or that they wish you were dead. They are expressing there feelings of missing that person, without a complete word with you. Let them say it, and don't admonish them for being hurtful. Until they completely comprehend death and it's finality, they don't understand what they are saying.

Don't be Afraid to Talk

Don't be afraid to talk about the loved one. I know for my daughter, it was very easy to call me mama, because although she had one, she was not her primary caretaker. It took her a little longer to call him daddy. I do remember that the day that she started calling him daddy, was the day that I put her birth fathers pictures around the house. I got them from her aunt and I let her decide where to put them. We had one in the living room, one in our hall of fame, but most in her bedroom. She slept with them for weeks. I even would ask her questions like, "What did he do with you before bed." She loved talking about him! Often times this would lead into questions about his death.

Don't Assume

Don't assume you know how they are feeling. One thing important to realize is young children don't know how to anticipate the future. They may not be completely aware that someone is done. They may hear the word death, see a dead body, yet anticipate their arrival anyway.One site states that a child does not recognize death as permanent until somewhere between 7-9.

It is important that you don't force conversation trying to get them to understand, this will upset them more, and they may react negatively due to information overload or forcing them to talk when they are not ready or giving them more than they can understand. That being said, don't assume that they won't understand. Be careful what you talk about with them in ear shot. If you think a conversation about a loved ones death is over their head, you will be surprised at what they do understand. Also be respectful, even if the loss is someone that you didn't care for, but the child does like an ex-husband, ex-wife, etc.

Above All Else, Love and Care for Them

The most important thing to let a child know is that they are loved and cared for. Don't just love them with words, love them with action. Be respectful that they are grieving. Keep things consistent, don't allow bad behaviors that you wouldn't allow before, but take those opportunities to talk. If they don't recognize either consciously or verbally, just let them know that you love them, but the behavior is unacceptable. Don't give them a free pass to bad behavior, but teach them how to express anger, grief, sadness in healthy nondestructive ways.

A child might become more needy. I know my child would sometimes say my name at least once every minute. There was one day when my daughter was having a specifically hard day, my husband even counted how many times she said, "mama" in a span of a half hour. It was 39 times. It does get overwhelming, but be understanding. Cuddle, talk, let them know you love them. If it's not realistic to cuddle at the time, then let them do an activity near you or show them signs you love them in other ways. During the 39 time in a half hour we were driving on a three hour car ride. and I was unable to cuddle with her. I talked to her most the way, but towards the end, I just held her hand and set my hand on her lap.

Lean On Others

This is especially important if you as well are grieving. By leaning others, you allow your child to see that they have a strong support system. The more people you allow to help through this hard time, the more secure your child will be, and the less stress you will go through.Though it is important to help your child through grieving, don't forget you need to care for yourself. You can sufficiently care for a child if your needs are lacking.

Even if you are not grieving, like in my case as a foster parent then adoptive mother, there were days when her clinging and constant "mama" became overwhelming. I would pick up the phone and ask if I could visit or invite someone over. The distraction would cause her to relax, and would give me a breather, so that way when she had another clingy moment I was more equipped to respond. Don't feel guilty for these moments. By bringing other people over who love her and wanted to play with her, it let her know that she was loved. That she may have lost someone who she loved and who loved her, but she still had others.

Don't be afraid of the stigma of seeing a Psychologist

If a child is grieving, don't be afraid of them talking to a counselor. If you feel there is a stigma, be careful of projecting that onto the child. Their are many ways that a psychologist can reach a child that a parent cannot. For instance, if a child knows their father is grieving, they may be afraid to mention their mommy, because it upsets daddy. To a psychologist they would not have that same fear. They are also trained to identify issues and to address those issues that you may not be equipped to. Don't be afraid, if your child is struggling, a counselor can reach them in ways that you might not be able to.

Life is hard, death is even harder. Help your child with the tools you can. Be direct, be honest, while keeping things age appropriate. Recognize if they need to talk to someone, or if you need help. Also know that you will get through this, and so will they. Let them grieve.